So there’s a strong possibility that they’re going to build a red RS for the UK. I got quite excited about this and my first thought was to tell that nice man from last week in the normal Red Focus. So I went into the village to wait for his arrival. Not to be too conspicuous I hid behind this homeless person selling the Big Issue. I didn’t mind the smell too much, but there and then I decided that later, rather than give him money for alcohol or drugs, I’d give him a bar of soap and a strong deodorant with some kind of fly repellant added. I know he liked it because he kept sniffing the deodorant so I know I’d made the right decision.
I then saw the red Focus come round the corner, I pushed the homeless person out of the way and made a dash for the zebra crossing. The Focus seemed to speed up, it was as though he was trying to get across the Zebra crossing before I got there. Thankfully I got there first and planted my foot firmly on the crossing so he had to stop. He slammed on his brakes and there was a squeal followed by a crunching sound as the car behind hit him. I could see he was pleased to see me by the way he was punching the dashboard and shouting he wanted to rip my f……g head off and stick it where the sun don’t shine. I know he didn’t really mean it – it was just banter!
Whilst he was exchanging names etc. with the other driver it gave me a chance to look at the red Focus again and I decided blue calipers on a red car just would not work. In fact any trace of blue should be replaced with either black, red or even something a bit outrageous like yellow. Red is an aggressive and manly colour, like Marlboro cigarettes (you’ve got to be a certain age!) and shouldn’t be highly polished, but grubby, and with the bonnet splattered with dead animals. Finally a driver needs to master the art of topping up his car with petrol whilst adjusting his testicles and shouting obscenities at any passing female under the age of 50. This demolishes the myth that women have spread claiming men can’t multitask!!!
When the nice man had finished exchanging details I tried to tell him of my plans to buy a Red RS, not to drive, but to be seen in, arrive in, show off in and have sex in (maybe not!). There’s one small problem I have to overcome, that is the money. I’ll have to ring round the hospitals to see if anyone with my surname has died recently that may have left me a few bob. I’ll try a sponsored “stay at home and watch TV task” which may not seem difficult but have you seen the s….t that’s on these days! The nice man in the Focus said there were no hard feelings as he shook my hand followed but other bits of my anatomy. When all my bones have set and I get out of hospital I may give up the idea of a Red Focus and put my Golf in comfort mode and at 71 retire gracefully. It’s been fun and informative. Thanks and Bye Bye with a bang!!!!.
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