Standing as MP – this is my manifesto
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- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by
john-tukan.
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May 7, 2017 at 12:40 PM #56272
Just to let everyone know that I’m standing, or sitting if I’m a little under the influence, as an independent candidate in the next elections. I’m standing as the “It’s all about me” party and showing no bias whatsoever. I’ve put together part of my manifesto and it is as follows:
1) It will be obligatory to produce a loud bang when passing an elderly person. This will give the desired heart attack. In turn this will free up hospital beds and relieve the strain on the NHS and care system. The money saved from the NHS could then be spent on a scrappage scheme for Subaru cars. Not for any ecological reason, just that they are too loud and too fast and I don’t like them!
2) Ban all French cars. That’s it. Ban all French cars. Simple!
3) Make it an offence for VW Golf R drivers to drive without a smile on their face. If caught they will have to attend a “Smile awareness course”. This course will be held by ex Ford performance people who will wave a gearstick at said VW drivers to show them the error of their ways.
4) Anyone caught wearing a baseball cap back to front will have their car modified to have 6 reverse gears and one forward.
5) Now we’ve all done this I’m sure. There we are in a car park and we spot a blue car at the other end. We jump on our mobility scooter and fly across the car park running over people’s feet, grazing ankles and knocking over young mothers with children hoping to catch the driver and ask what Mountune mod they’ve had done. Alas only to find it’s a British Gas van. I therefore would pass a law that all British Gas vans must have a board on the top of their roof stating “I am not an RS”.
6) Speed cameras will be modified to catch anyone doing less than 40 mph. if caught they will have to attend a “Camera awareness course”. Here they will be told that cameras are put in areas that are dangerous and it is therefore essential that they drive as quickly as possible to get out of harms way!
7) Traffic light cameras will also be modified to catch anyone who is still at the lights 0.5 of a second after they’ve gone green. These drivers will have weights inserted into their right foot and taught the essentials of launch control and flat foot shifting.
8) Cyclists that wear funny clothes and are all sweaty and insist of using the road when there is a perfectly acceptable cycle track should attend a “Stop being a PIA course”. For this course I have commissioned a video that starts out showing a cyclist on the road with a big caption. “If you’re going to cycle on MY road, I’m going to drive on YOUR cycle path!”. This will have loud explosions and a sound track from AC/DC.
9) Forget HS2. Who wants to get to Birmingham any quicker? Use the money to turn the Green Belt into one large rallycross circuit.
As for Brexit, World War 3, Russia, North Korea, China, Trump etc. I can’t be bothered it’s all fake news anyway and I’m sure it was Elvis that delivered my Pizza last night.
If I have caused offence to anyone I apologize. I have far too much time on my hands and am doing this whilst watching BTCC on ITV4 from Thruxton. Why are the Fords Yellow!
May 7, 2017 at 12:50 PM #56273?????. ?????. ????? what can I say I’ll vote for you ???
Honorary Member
May 7, 2017 at 1:06 PM #56274I thought I was the most unbalanced person on this site, I actually feel a bit cheated. I’ll gladly be your campaign manager.
May 16, 2017 at 2:57 PM #57261Well Ive stood as MP since I was born, now I’ve seen Mr Tukan’s manifesto I’m definitely voting for him. I would also add to the manifesto a few things. ” Big Issue” street sellers will be made to sell mansize tissues instead of some poxy paper, will be then known as “Big Tissue” sellers. I will make it law that car manufacturers will modify windscreen wiper systems to automatically come on when pulling up to traffic lights in urban areas to deter certain folk that loiter at busy interchanges from throwing a cup of dirty water over your screen and then wiping it off with an oily rag and then demand £2 from you or you get your car keyed up. I will also make it an offence to park next to a MK3 Focus RS in Tescos etc when the rest of the car park is relatively empty and said Focus has parked in the quietest most remote spot of the car park all on its own a good 50 yards from anyone else.
No nothing.
No Mods. No rockers. Just a chunky knob, thats now been replaced by an RS knob innit.
No tackiness.
Std as Ford intended, but with a space saver wheel and jack and nuts and wheel brace. oh.. and flaps, a man has got to have flaps.
Innit?
May 16, 2017 at 9:48 PM #57306Plus 1 vote here (brilliant)
May 17, 2017 at 9:10 AM #57323Brilliant! If I am allowed to participate (Switzerland is NOT in the EU) then you have my vote! 😎
Revo Stage 1 – JCR super low seating frame – Mishimoto gas pedal spacer – DSC sport controller
May 17, 2017 at 10:06 AM #57327More the merrier Frenk !!
No nothing.
No Mods. No rockers. Just a chunky knob, thats now been replaced by an RS knob innit.
No tackiness.
Std as Ford intended, but with a space saver wheel and jack and nuts and wheel brace. oh.. and flaps, a man has got to have flaps.
Innit?
May 17, 2017 at 10:31 AM #57329We need a campaign manager Frenk, are you available Ha Ha
Honorary Member
May 17, 2017 at 11:50 AM #57333Once the Brexit has entered into force – why not 😉
But beforehand I have a motion for the attention of the candidate, john-tucan:
Could we expand point 3) into point 3b):
“3b) Make it an offence for Q7, X6 and ML drivers to sniff on tailpipes. If caught they will have to attend a “distance awareness course”. This course’s pass will only be ackowledged after successful lingering for 1 hour with a running VW clean diesel car in a closed cabinet.”
Thank you 😎
Revo Stage 1 – JCR super low seating frame – Mishimoto gas pedal spacer – DSC sport controller
May 17, 2017 at 2:45 PM #57346May 17, 2017 at 3:23 PM #57349Consider it done! I am offering a strong and stable leadership and if anything else annoys you let me know and I’ll nationalize it. In the meantime we need a referendum to decide if we want a referendum to amend the referendum.
Add 1. All roundabouts will be widened to allow RS cars to go round them in drift mode. This would be considered mandatory. All other lesser road users would have to give way and pay homage.
Add 2. It should be completely legal for me to run over the neighbour’s cat if it keeps crapping in my garden.
Appreciate the support and enjoy the laughs. Thanks.
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